Developers Smith and Smith announced today that Raleigh’s Tatton Hall will be razed and replaced by a new Wal-Mart. Representatives for Wal-Mart say they are excited to introduce this opportunity to central Raleigh. (map it)

Members of a local group are ecstatic to replace the aging structure. “It lacked grounded outlets, had mold, and needed huge upgrades to the plumbing and HVAC systems,” said Herbert Schmitt. “I’m glad to see something new in this part of town.”

The group’s opponents are even more excited to replace one of Raleigh’s houses least-complying with its neighborhood. “The setback, height, and materials didn’t even come close to blending with its neighbors,” said Josh Welbourne. Josh is president of of Raleigh’s chapter of Youths Against Wealthy Neighborhoods (Y.A.W.N.). “I’m glad to finally see something around here that serves the other America.” He also noted that houses like Tatton, with their large yards, contribute to sprawl, and added,”This Wal-Mart will prevent the construction of a new one in one of Raleigh’s perimeter areas.”

Residents in the area are particularly excited about the new retail opportunities offered by Wal-Mart. The site was once eyeballed for a much-needed Harris-Teeter, but Wal-Mart entered the picture with a higher bid for the property. Local politician Philip Meek is particularly excited. “I finally have a place inside the Beltline to buy underwear!” Raleigh’s ITB area has had a well-known scarcity of underwear outlets since the closing of Cameron Village’s Thalheimer’s location. The problem is so great that many have affectionately called the area of Raleigh “Commando Village”.

Construction will begin once readers understand that I wish everyone a Happy April Fool’s Day.

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