web analytics
Apr
12

Jeff Gordinier Appearing At Quail Ridge Tonight

image Jeff Gordinier , author of X Saves the World: How Generation X Got The Shaft But Can Still Keep Everything From Sucking will be at Quail Ridge Books tonight. The Details magazine Editor at Large will be signing books from 7pm to 8pm

Apr
05

Hyatt Hotel Planned for Arena Area

Site plans for a four-story Hyatt Hotel at the corner of Trinity and Nowell Roads in Raleigh were submitted to the Raleigh planning department this week. The site plan (.PDF) shows the footprint for the 123-room hotel and its 123 parking spaces. Because of the hotel’s small size, it will most likely will be a Hyatt variant such as Hyatt Place .

map it

Apr
02

Katt Williams Coming to RBC Center

Katt Williams brings his "it’s pimpin’ pimpin’ tour" to the RBC Center on May 3. Tickets are on sale now .

Apr
02

Zany Fun or Prophecy?

Was yesterday’s zaniness just good fun or chilling foreshadowing? Only time will tell. Readers may have noticed a large number of stories about new legislation by our city council. With the exception of the closed-toe shoe ban, nearly all of the bans listed have been proposed or enacted somewhere else in the world. Almost all of the arguments supporting these hypothetical stories, in fact, have been used to support bans and proposed Raleigh ordinances in the previous six months. The Raleigh City Council must proceed very cautiously, as growing animosity in the community could incite revolutionary changes at the next election that would make the Fetzer/Coble era look liberal.

The debate over house renovations and replacements is a very sensitive one. No easy solution exists, and both sides have many valid points. For example imagine a house in Raleigh that has been revered by many for decades. It sits on a large, valuable plot of land that could be subdivided for a large profit. The family doesn’t want the house any more as it needs millions of dollars to repair to get it to today’s standards. Do you know which house I’m describing?

I was informed that Tatton Hall did, in fact, undergo a multi-million dollar renovation and is now beautiful inside. Part of its land was subdivided almost 30 years ago to form Tatton Pl., but thankfully the owners decided not to cash in on its incredibly valuable property. However, I was actually referring to the Pascal House . Designed by James Fitzgibbon, the 1,334 square foot house has been featured in Modernist home tours, books, and websites and is now for sale. The asking price is $5.7 million, or $1,707 per square foot. The house needs much restoration, though, and will likely be demolished. While the owner of the house is within rights to cash in on the 2.9 acre plot of land, it is nonetheless a shame to lose this unique piece in our patchwork quilt. What if the owners of Tatton Hall had opted for demolition and redevelopment instead of renovation? They, too, would have been within their rights as private property owners, and too, it would be a shame for Raleigh to lose this treasure.

The Raleigh City Council does not have an easy job ahead. However its actions should be toward making Raleigh better via choice and opportunity rather than their current, restriction-oriented path.

Apr
01

Raleigh Bans Car Washing

Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: The Raleigh City Council has banned all carwashing at home, regardless of the water source. Citizens are not only banned from using Raleigh city water to wash cars, they also cannot use rain barrel water or well water. “Water is a precious resource and we need to not use it for frivolous means,” said one city official.

I wish I could say that this story is an April Fool’s joke, but it is not.

Apr
01

City Bans Automatic Dishwashers

Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: In an historic session, the city council has passed a ban on new installations of automatic dishwashers. The city’s crumbling sewer system, according to officials, is unable to handle the disposal of fats and detergents which are leading to sewer line accidents. The new $215 million Convention Center is exempt, however, from the new regulations.

The ban relates only to the installation of new units and the replacement of broken units. “The lifespan of a dishwasher is on the order of 20 years, and we expect that by the year 2030 we’ll have a chance to start slowing the accumulation of sewer fats.”

Josh Welbourne, of the Raleigh chapter of Y.A.W.N. was elated. “This is the best day in the history of the city! My original 1948 kitchen isn’t big enough to handle a dishwasher, so I’m glad that my kitchen will now be comparable with so many new ones out there!”

Citizens are urged to scrape food products appropriately into compost or garbage bins (no plastic as per today’s ban) with a reusable dishtowel. Sanitation officials ask that customers wrap all refuse headed to the landfill in biodegradable gauze, labeled on the exterior, and alphabetized in sections of the city’s new corn-husk-based garbage cans. Once the dishes appear to be clean, they can be placed back into the cabinet for later use.

“We’ve been using this method for a couple of years and it’s never made us sick. In fact the only times we’ve been sick at all were when we got 24-hour viruses,” said one city official. “We need to find a cause for that and do what we can for the people.”

This entry contains fictional information.

Apr
01

Monster Prius Show Coming To RBC Center

monster_prius Gentlemen! Push your Start buttons! Get ready for a night you won’t forget. The North American World of Wheels MONSTER PRIUS show is coming to the RBC Center on April, 31. See the ZapMonster, the 5.1GW Electric Storm, and the indomitable Geek Streak. Experience…the silence.

These aren’t your professor’s hybrids. No no! These bad boys are Priuses of Power. Witness 0-80 mph in 1.64 seconds. See a car climb a 100 foot pole. See the PurplePowerPlant attempt to fly over a hybrid world record 2 cars!

And… the Hybrid Hotties will be on hand “plugging” their hot new calendars.

The first 5,000 fans get free Priuses of Power Pocket Protectors.

This entry contains fictional information.

Apr
01

City Bans Clothes Dryers

Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: The city council has passed yet another ban. An ordinance banning clothes dryers has just passed by a narrow decision. Reasons for the ban included energy conservation, safety from lent fires, and a need to reduce the amount of lent discharged to the air and to the landfill.

Josh Welbourne, president of the Raleigh Y.A.W.N. chapter cheered loudly to the ordinance’s passage. “I haven’t been able to afford a dryer, so other people shouldn’t have one. It’s not fair for me to hang my clothes on the line outside and risk a rare rainfall when those people can dry their clothes any time they want.”

City officials also cited an existing ban on clotheslines that are visible from city streets. In order to maintain compliance, residents must use natural or wooden barriers to hide their clotheslines from plain view. A new city clothesline inspection office will be created to patrol for illegal dryer use and non-compliance to the appearance ordinances.

This entry contains fictional information.

Apr
01

City Bans Deep Fryers

Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: The city council has just voted to ban deep fryers from houses and restaurant within the city limits. The reasons for the ban were many, including the danger from fryer-caused fires, the nutritional problems with fried food, and the disposal of used grease.

One councilor stated,”The choice is simple. Do we want house fires, heart disease, and a clogged sewer system? No. This is the right thing to do.”

This entry contains fictional information.

Apr
01

Approved: 27-digit Dialing

The utilities commission today approved sweeping changes in the way we use our phones. As of July 1, 2008, all telephone calls must use 27-digit dialing. This makes our state the first in an anticipated wave of “27-D” states. The new standard allows each person to have their own 27-digit phone number which would be a combination of their current 10-digit phone number + their 9-digit social security number + their 8-digit birthdate (DDMMYYYY).

In addition to the personalized phone numbers, phone companies have a mandatory deadline of August 1 to assign a unique ringtone to each customer. “This finally allows us to discontinue caller ID services,” said one phone company representative. “That service had the sex appeal of Mr. Bentley [on the TV show ‘The Jeffersons’]”.

This entry contains fictional information.

Apr
01

City Bans Loud Grunts

Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: The city council, in one of its longest-ever sessions, has banned loud grunting from tennis facilities in city parks. One councilor stated,”I went to Exchange Park and it sounded like a bunch of hyenas out there. Everybody knows that in combat, you want to stay ‘stealthy’. Tennis is no different. You have to sneak up on your opponent.”

This entry contains fictional information.

Apr
01

City Votes to Ban Roll-on

Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: The city council has just voted to remove deodorant from the shelves of all city retail outlets. Supporters of the “ban on Ban” say the move is required to remove aluminum from citizens’ lives. Aluminum is thought to play a role in the development of Alzheimer’s Disease.

City officials also cite improvement of the city’s sewer system as a measure. “It would make my job a lot easier if nobody used the damned thing [sewer system],” said one key official. He continued by saying the accumulation of residue from antiperspirants is contributing to massive sewer backflows.

Citizens are urged to not sweat until Falls Lake levels reach normal levels for 180 consecutive days.

This entry contains fictional information.

Apr
01

City Bans Closed Toe Shoes

Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: The city council has just adopted a measure banning closed-toe shoes within the city limits. The measure is one anticipated to greatly improve the health of citizens as toenails will finally be able to breathe. “While bare feet can lead to tapeworms, sandals are the greatest. It gives us a feel more in touch with Biblical times,” said one councilor.

The measure begins immediately. Residents are reminded that they may not wash their feet until Falls Lake is completely filled for 180 straight days.

This entry contains fictional information.

top -->